G’day, friends, and welcome to another week and another post.
Since I was a young girl, spontaneity has never been in my wheelhouse. I have always been someone who has had to plan things out days in advance, and if anything came up out of the blue, the anxiety went wild, and I would find any way to avoid whatever it was that came up.
Spontaneity was never something I thought I could do. I would sit and think, “I would love to go to xyz”, but when push came to shove, I would then think “Oh, but I can’t do that; I don’t want to be in anyone’s way; I don’t want to burden my family by asking for a lift or to come with me”. And so I never did anything spontaneous. I opted to stay at home in my little cave where I didn’t draw attention, didn’t have to worry about putting anyone out, didn’t have to worry about being stared at or stressed about where the disabled parks and entrances were.
But despite being a major homebody, and honestly, I still do love a good day at home, I was still unhappy and feeling completely isolated. But that isolation was my own doing because I didn’t think that I deserved to be spontaneous, and I didn’t know how to be spontaneous with my disability.
Over the past few years, though, the curiosity bug has slowly started to seep more profoundly into my veins, and the desperate need to explore, adventure and try new things has reached a point where I could not ignore it any more!
And so last weekend, I ventured down the spontaneous rabbit hole for perhaps the first time!
I am the first to admit that one of my shortcomings has always been struggling to maintain friendships and organise catch-ups with friends and family. However, I organised a catch-up with two colleagues turned friends from my old job last weekend. It was a beautiful morning in the sun (yes, my head got burnt to a crisp; I never learn clearly as I have to think sun and I burn) with coffee and a spot of breakfast.
As we talked, one of my friends mentioned that she was interested in going to an orchestra by candlelight in town that night but was worried about going alone due to personal circumstances. Immediately, without hesitation, my other friend and I said we would be more than happy to go with her.
Usually, in the past, I would have thought how cool it would be to go and do something like that in the spur of the moment, but I would never jump on it due to those insecurities I mentioned earlier. But this time, I refused to allow those insecurities to seep in. I called home to ensure I wasn’t needed at home that night or there were no plans. The answer to both was no, so my friend booked the tickets.
The spontaneity didn’t end there! After coffee, I drove my scooter to our local shopping centre 500 meters down the road for some shopping and treated myself to lunch. Another thing a few years ago I would never do!
The concert rolled around, and right before the show started, we realised that an hour after the show finished, there was a string quartet tribute to Queen. We looked at each other and said, ‘Let’s do it’. And with that, I messaged home to say I would be staying in town a bit longer and booked the next round of tickets.
Due to the hour between shows, my friend and I found a bar to go to and have a quick drink. And when I say quick, I have never chugged an Espresso Martini faster than I did that night! We didn’t want to be late to the concert!
What I came to realise, as I was crying listening to 3 violins and a Cello play “Who Wants to Live Forever” was that the sudden need for adventure and spontaneity was very much linked to self-worth.
I never felt worthy enough to go to events like that. I didn’t have the confidence to not ask ‘permission’ from my family to go and hang out with my friends, who, let’s face it, are double and triple my age, even though, being an adult, I didn’t need to ask for permission.
It was one of the first times I told my family ‘I am doing this; can someone pick me up at 9:30, please?”. My family have always given me the freedom to do whatever I wanted and encouraged me to do so, but I didn’t feel I deserved to do those things.
I have put in so much work over the last 18 months to work through all those gritty feelings of not feeling deserving of those experiences that everyone does without blinking these days. It took being able to work through some trauma and a lot of those limiting beliefs of not being good enough, being a burden, and feelings of self-loathing to be able to look in the mirror and say, “Do you know what? I deserve to go and have a nice evening with my friends; I am worthy of their friendship, company, and listening to good music. My disability doesn’t control this part of my life. I do”
The feeling of freedom, adventure, love, acceptance, friendship and peace I felt that night is something that I will never forget. I made a choice months ago that my physical ability will not dictate my self-worth because I am more than just my disability, more than the disability label. I deserve all the experiences life offers and will remain open to being as spontaneous as possible.
Because, as long as I am able, I will not allow my disability to be the excuse I give for why I don’t go to events anymore. Being spontaneous opens up a world of endless possibilities, experiences and memories. I had to be brave, confident, and worthy to take that step. And I am so glad I did.
Till next week,
Rhi