G’day, friends, and welcome back to another post!
One of the most read and commented-on blog posts was my journey to body confidence. The comments on that post have been incredible, and I am so happy that it has helped and resonated with so many of you. However, after two years, it is time to revisit the idea of body confidence two years on.
Everyone has an idea of body confidence. Body positivity, or body confidence, in a nutshell, is having a positive outlook and acceptance of yourself regardless of weight, race, appearance, and even physical abilities.
When I wrote the body confidence post in 2022, I was the fittest and healthiest I had ever been. I consistently worked out six times a week, one of which was with my exercise physiologist. I also saw my physiotherapist once a week for disability management. I was eating ‘right’ and felt like I was in the shape of my life; I was coming off the back of training for my first 5km and felt solid and stable in my legs, which doesn’t happen often when you have Muscular Dystrophy.
My outlook on body confidence and disability acceptance at that time was precisely what the definition of body confidence was. I liked what I saw in the mirror and loved feeling stronger, which showed in my stance and how I carried myself.
But what happens when you aren’t in the ‘shape of your life’ and things aren’t working?
After my horse accident two years ago, the boat started to sink. I went from 6x-a-week workouts to being stuck on super light duties for nearly two months due to a minor hairline fracture in my knee. My routine disappeared, combined with many other things in my personal life, so the couch became my best friend.
Once the mandatory rest period was over, I thought I would quickly return to a consistent diet and training. However, my comeback was instead like a leaky tap. Some weeks, I would work several times and eat clean, and then there were times when just showing up for my non-negotiable Physio and EP sessions were the only workouts in my week.
As things currently stand, I am back to my 2019 start weight, and my abs are once more hidden. Given that I am heavier, although some of it is muscle, as I am lifting heavier in the gym, I can feel the weight when I move. It makes the most straightforward tasks harder, such as pulling up pants, walking to the kitchen or washing up after cooking the family dinner. I have been dealing with pretty constant lower back pain for the past 12 months; I am relying on my scooter more and more out and about, and what was an easy walk to the last cinema screen is now a slow, physically painful, unbalanced and anxiety-filled waddle.
Body confidence and maintaining a positive body image are tricky when you aren’t at your best.
Fighting with your body can also affect your body image and confidence. Dealing with daily pain and discomfort and taking ten minutes to pull up your pants after going to the bathroom takes a rather heavy emotional toll. I question whether this is now my new routine, whether I am going backwards faster than I thought, or whether I am losing the fight to maintain my level of independence.
I have had moments where I have looked at my body in the mirror and been disgusted with how I look, and then I find myself looking at selfies I took two years ago post-workout with a somewhat toned body and looking confident. It’s like I am a shell of that person, and I don’t recognise myself in so many ways.
My body confidence journey has been about redefining what confidence means to me. It used to be primarily about looks. However, I am realising more and more that feeling strong, pain-free, and stable on my feet means more to me than what dress size I am or how slim I look.
I am no longer confident in my body because it isn’t working for me anymore, and every daily task is becoming more challenging and exhausting. This is a terrifying concept, especially when I prefer sitting all day, as standing and walking around causes pain. Still, I know each time I prefer sitting down, it means a step closer to losing my ability to walk.
I realised the other day that pain when walking, standing, or cooking is only temporary. Once my body gets stronger and used to movement, the pain will decrease, and doing daily tasks will become easier.
That realisation, combined with being scared of my deterioration and not being 100% satisfied with myself, was my ‘enough is enough’. It has somewhat kick-started me to improve, get back to that fit, physically confident woman from two years ago, and create a definition of body confidence that serves me in my highs as much as it will in my lows.
My outlook on body confidence and exercise is different now than five years ago. When I first started seriously training, I wanted to be slim for a cruise. I focused on the superficial rather than the beneficial.
Body confidence isn’t about being small anymore. I want to feel solid and balanced, confident walking in a shop or at the cinema, confident getting around the house, and, most of all, not in pain all the time.
It’s now about acknowledging the small wins, looking in the mirror, and telling myself that I am proud of what I did that day to take care of myself.
It’s about being confident in my ability to do what I want without pain or losing my balance and opting to sit. That means more than a number on a scale or how slim I look in the mirror.
Because without those things, I will no doubt be in a wheelchair permanently by the time I am 30. I am not ready for that, and there is no way in hell I want to be in a wheelchair in the next few years. Not without one hell of a fight, anyway.
So, it’s back to the drawing board. I’m starting gradually with the workouts, drinking enough water, and eating to nourish myself rather than to numb out or starve myself. I’m going back to the basics and doing the basics well. Will I get back to six-times-a-week workouts? Who knows, but aiming to get to 3-4 times a week feels good.
It is a gradual process, but changing my outlook on body confidence so that it serves me even during the lower moments is critical. Each day is about asking myself, ‘Have I done something that I am proud of today?’ ‘Have I done something today to feel strong?’ As a perfectionist, these questions are tricky. However, striving for perfection will make me miserable, and my body confidence, and ultimately my quality of life, will suffer.
I don’t need to be a size 6 to make me happy and confident in what I see when I look at myself in the mirror—walking, being as independent as possible and feeling strong and balanced will.
Till next week,
Rhi.